TOP TIPS

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
D. Duckham, Didford

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.
B Villbens, Birmingham

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge

A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.
L. Traintu, Clarkesville

Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.
Ms G. M. Dowd, Wigan

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Phil Wasey, Liverpool

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.
Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
S Goldhanger, Fulchester

Pop a few teabags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap.
Mr A.Fowler, Cape Town, South Africa

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
Mr D. Hughes, Lancaster

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
B. Batten, Dublin

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road.
D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
P. Witney, London

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be worn around the neck.
B. Morgan, Criccieth

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
P. Witney, London

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.
Kate Emblen, Uxbridge

Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.
A. Sharp, Birmingham

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood

Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you on a motobike carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the blame.
Bastien Phelp, Bath

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
W. T. Conqueror, Hastings

Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.
C. Custer, Little Bighorn

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Sister S., Berwick, Blackrod

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
B. Johnson, Canada

 

Copyright by Joat Electronics 1996